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I had a tremendously hard time falling asleep last night. I had coffee way to late. It made my mind race. I have been thinking a lot about where I want to be. What I want to do. Who I want to become. I want a lot of things. I think I know how to get there. I am worried that even if I do really well this semester, something will come up. I don’t find out the status of switching majors for a while. Maybe August? Hopefully sooner. It is too late to really explore other options. If it does not materialize, I am so fucked. I think I will withdraw from McGill if it doesn’t work out. I don’t see why I would waste any more money. I don’t know what I would do instead. There are a few programs at other schools. Maybe I will take some time off. No fucking money to do anything.
I was feeling really down yesterday. The dredges of winter have finally been cast off. The snow has melted. Beautiful, 20-something-degree weather has set in. I am pained by the fact I have to study myself silly. I hate finals. I would do anything to spend the day outside. Being couped up all winter is horrid. Being unable to fully enjoy the change in weather is worse.
I woke up excited. The feelings were predicated on a lie. A lie I quite blatantly fell for. Who wouldn’t? It is funny how something so small put things into perspective. For months I have been twiddling my thumbs. I told myself that my turn would come. I let myself be taken advantage of. It felt good. I loved the attention. But, as I sit here, curled up on this black leather couch, five stories above the busy street below, I made a connection. The ad served as a brilliant metaphor. Of course Hannah and Jordana made it. Of course, just hours later, I found it. Of course I was excited. But, it gave me a new perspective. Passive consumption will lead me nowhere. To sit by and wait, is to sit by and be preyed on.
